if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
