Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
