What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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