Got a toothbrush?
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
