Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
