Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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