I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
