i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize