there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
