You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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