Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize