I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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