I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Randomize
