textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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