My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
