12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
You're earring is so big in my mouth
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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