ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
