I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
