I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
