i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
