Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
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