my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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