sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
