im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
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