It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
