hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
