then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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