I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I bet he comes in French.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
