you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize