textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
