do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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