id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
