Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Randomize
