U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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