I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
