I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
