Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
