I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
