i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
