Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
