Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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