Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
