Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
