Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
someone threw a dead crab at me
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Randomize
