Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
