Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
