Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
