god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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