Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
