If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
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