party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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