so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
