No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
