Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
