there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
