I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
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