You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
