my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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